I am the Cooler

In the excellent 2003 gambling flick The Cooler, William H. Macy plays a guy with such bad luck, even standing next to him in a casino will make you to lose. it. all. It’s a very entertaining movie (I think Macy might be one of those rare actors who doesn’t make bad pictures) but it’s bringing me down a little these these days. Because I am starting to feel like the Plant Cooler.

Yeah, I know this is Plantkiller. And there’s a reason I didn’t buy so much as a house plant until I was, uh, old enough to take care of it. (Like last year.) But it’s getting to be a bit much, even for me. It’s a good thing I always take pictures right after I plant newly-purchased flowers, or no one would believe in my immeasurable Powers of Death.

I give you…

Exhibit A: Bee Balm

See it there on the left? It is RED

Now it looks like this (a little worse actually, as today I noticed a sort of grayish mold-like dust on its new leaves):

Sticks and twigs

Exhibit B: Gay Feather

This is still how it looks in other people's yards

Mine is now crunchy and even more dead than this picture portrays:

Nothing happy or gay here

Exhibit C: Huechera

Look at all the purty blooms

Now I am lucky to have a few blooming branches:

See it there in the back, with the two red stems? And don't get excited about the Salvia. I JUST planted it. (The Million Bells, though, they like me! They really like me!)

Exhibit D: Yarrow

So shiny someone stole a pot of it off my back steps

And now…

Couldn't give this away

Exhibit E: Impatiens

We used to be so happy

The Thrill is Gone, as BB King would say…

The last two flowers fled as I wrote this

And finally, Exhibit F: Sedum

Love at first sight

Where have all the flowers gone? (You knew that was coming, right? Sorry!)

Even night vision doesn't help this poor gal

Of course, we’ve already discussed the dramatic demise of my Lobelia.

Why do I go on?

** I think (hope) I am learning. Maybe I’ll get better.

** My best friend repeatedly assures me that “behind every good gardener is a pile of dead plants.” (I am going to be a Master Gardener someday!)

** I like “digging in the dirt,” as my beloved Norwegian grandma (and a real Master Gardener) used to say.

** I’d rather waste money on killing plants than have a drinking/drugging/smoking addiction at this point in my life. No dignity in that. (Though it may eventually become as pricey. Ahhh, the rush of the new plant… followed by the downer crash when it wilts. I’ll be rocking and sobbing in a corner before it’s all over.)

** Also, my Celosia is KICKING ASS. Cabbage looks pretty nice too.

** I have gotten pretty good with Coleus, if I do say so myself.

** And I did bring that wax leaf begonia back from the dead. But it does smell kind of funny since I buried it in the Plant Sematary.

Also for the defense… I give you this glorious Bee Balm that was totally fried last summer. Looked worse than the one above, word of God. I moved it twice, left it in the Happy Bed for dead and it came back this summer, unbidden, shining. I get a little teary looking at it.


Guess I’ll suck it up. Fourth quarter, as my husband says.

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About plantkiller

Paysha Rhone is a wife, mother, former-journalist-turned-PR-maven and bad mamajama killing plants in the Victorian splendor of Fitchburg, Massachusetts.
This entry was posted in Keep hope alive, Mo' plants, mo' problems, Wallowing in death and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to I am the Cooler

  1. Nic says:

    You can’t force friendship. If you find plants that like your style, stick with them!

  2. plantkiller says:

    Seriously. I will be planting Celosia, Coleus, Dusty Miller, Million Bells and cabbage every year! Sedum sometimes likes me too, if I don’t get too fancy and just stick with the “Autumn Joy” variety! Oy.

  3. Autumn says:

    I am not too familiar with all these plants, but i they are perennials, you can’t expect them to stay pretty any flowery for too long. That is the pay off, short bloom time but bigger and better next year! Keep it up!

    • plantkiller says:

      Thanks Autumn! Yeah, that might be the case with a few of them. But when I see them flourishing in the neighbor’s yards, well… there’s just a consistent pattern here. Buy, plant, die… hahahahaha. But maybe some will come back (Most of these are def perennials). Like the Bee Balm, it did so crappy last year but came back so strong. Maybe that will happen next summer with some of these others. Hope, hope. hope…

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